2012 - Overwhelming Grace

...continuation of 2012 - The fall

I laid in bed and realized that not only do I want to be 'alive in Christ,' I'm choosing to live it. I don't want to live my life thinking back 'about the one time I did this awesome mission trip' or 'this one time I lived in Northern Ireland.' I want need to be moving forward, even if it's small. I cannot be satisfied with complacency or reverting back to who I was.

I must admit I was feeling a bit low. I was finally seeing how inadequate I really was. I came to the understanding that I have a long way to go. Honestly, I was so hyped up on becoming this person that I could already feel the high expectations piling up.

A few days later, I had my mid year staff review. A bit intimidating with Derek (minister), Raymond (office manager), Kathryn (assistant minister), and Ashleigh (youth and student worker) and just little me. We went through the standard questions and then they asked me how I was. I told them much better than where I was. I shared how this amazing convicting video of this ridiculous guy boldly sharing his love of Jesus to a bunch of kids. I told them how much I wanted those qualities (passion, fire, joy, love, truth ect.). Raymond who had been quiet just looked at me. He said maybe this year, I would learn to see myself how I truly was. That what I described in the young man was what they say when they looked at me.

Whaa....whaa...what?!?!? I'm this charismatic, bold, truth speaker?? But for the past several weeks, I've been soo off track. Willfully disobedient. How can I be this person, when I haven't even tried to be 'good?'

God is ridiculous. As I tried to blink away the tears, I just knew, I was God's. I am His. I have been branded for Him. His grace and love is all over me, lives inside of me. I'm alive in Christ because He is alive in me. He will never be "done" with me. His word will never return empty and believe me He has spoken some pretty bold words over me :)

Side Note:
Do you know what charismatic means...I looked it up because I had to use that word. According to wiki "The term charisma (pl. charismata, adj. charismatic; from the Greek χάρισμα, meaning "favor given" or "gift of grace." Sweet isn't.

2012 - The fall

Where to even start...I guess in the effort of being transparent and vulnerable, I should admit that spiritually December and the beginning of January have been rough. Have you ever felt that if you spent time with the Lord all your faults and inadequacies would be shown? We are all sinners and we will always fall short of the glory of God, but I didn't want to see myself as I was. I was happy enough chugging along on my own and I didn't want to see the true reflection.

Without realizing it, I had started to go blind. It was similar to the blindness I had before. The worst part being that I was choosing it. I would rather spend hours watching tv and movies, facebooking, reading nonsense or napping than to spend time with my Papa. I think it's the ugliest I've been since...Tanzania. I was still doing my 'job' ministering to people, but I was running on empty and I knew that I needed to be convicted, needed to spend time with God.

While doing my daily dose of facebooking I saw a video. You know which one, the one that went viral these past couple of weeks, Love Jesus. Hate Religion. And finally conviction struck a cord. I've had a few long-haul struggles. I've struggled what feels like all my life even on the race, when I got home and even here with it. In my lack of reflection, I had allowed it to be Lord of my life again. Shame and guilt didn't even make appearance. I found myself for weeks praying, God bring conviction without actually wanting it and definitely not expecting it.

Then, cliche as it may seem, I saw this young guy speaking about Jesus. I saw his testimony and I just saw what it meant to be 'alive in Christ.' I was overwhelmed. That's what I want to look like...fire, passion, love, joy and strong conviction for what you believe is Truth. I was smacked with the reflection of what I was not. I was living my life exactly the opposite to this. I was choosing to put back on the chains of bondage, for what? momentary satisfaction? It doesn't last, it never last. It all goes away!! The richness of food, the tartness of wine, the pleasures of this world that so easily can become addiction fade in comparison to the Glory of God...

continued on 2012 - Overwhelming Grace